Should I Get A Divorce? – What Your Arguments Are Telling You.
In Part Two of our Guide ‘Should I Get A Divorce?’ we look at the role arguments play in the breakdown of the marriage. What they mean, if they are a sign that your relationship is over and when to divorce.
Part One – We’re Disconnecting
In Part One we looked at how divorce became an issue for you and your spouse and why you think divorce is the answer. We give advice on how to prepare for divorce, if that’s the route you have to take, in order that you save yourself money on lawyers’ fees.
We focus on marriage problems in terms of becoming emotionally detached from your spouse and the impact on your relationship.
We highlight the warning signs for ‘conscious uncoupling’ so you can perhaps save your marriage before it’s too late. Also, the signs that a divorce is on the cards because you are both living separate lives and your marriage is in effect already over.
If you have not read it yet, you can check it out here: Should I Get A Divorce?
Checkpoint Two – Arguments
The next item on our Divorce Checklist is relationship arguments.
Every couple argues. Arguing with your spouse is not a sign you should get a divorce as such, what you need to consider is how you argue, how often you argue and what you argue about.
Two different couples may argue over who does the dishes. One couple may bicker for a few minutes before one person says ‘fine, I’ll just do them’ and that’s the end of it. Another couple may fight for hours before one spouse throws the dishes at the other’s head and puts them in the hospital. Same issue, very different reasons for divorce to be on the table.
One couple may say we fight all the time because our relationship is so passionate. Another couple may say we fight all the time and the constant conflict is traumatic. Couples who are emotionally detached tend to argue less because they just don’t care enough. Marriage problems are all relative.
The fact that you are still arguing with your spouse may be a sign that you both care enough to try and get a solution to your marriage problems that would allow you to return to a peaceful relationship, on the other hand, it may not.
What are your reasons for divorce? Why are you fighting in the first place? Are your relationship arguments over big issues where there is a clash of values, such as how to raise your children? Or is it little things such as the TV remote? The little things often mask the real marriage problems. It’s not about the TV remote, it’s about feeling valued and respected in the marriage. Is arguing the only way to get your spouse’s attention?
In a previous article discussed the differences between high conflict and low conflict marriages. If you think your marriage is a high conflict marriage you should check it out, especially if you have kids.
Things to watch out for:
- If you feel threatened or experience violence when arguing with your spouse you need to get out and to a place of safety now.
- You are fighting more than you used to.
- You only communicate through fighting.
- You don’t fight at all but there are clear problems that neither of you care to address.
- There is a lack of respect, you’re pushing each other’s buttons with things you know to be hurtful.
- You constantly feel dismissed, rejected, and condescended to and your spouse refuses to acknowledge or discuss it.
- There is a power struggle and attempts to control the other person and their behavior.
- There is an unwillingness to compromise.
- Do you really want a divorce or are you just angry?
- Are you being emotionally reactive when you could take a calmer, more logical approach?
- Are you threatening divorce as a wake-up call to your spouse?
- Are you using divorce as a threat to get your spouse to behave differently?
- Are you always on the defensive?
- Are you using the threat of divorce as a tool to just get your spouse to take you seriously?
- Are you prepared to meet your spouse’s needs and wants or is your affection conditional?
- What are you really fighting about?
- Are these issues more important than your marriage?
- Are you putting a meaning onto issues that your spouse isn’t and passing them off as facts?
- Is there a resolution?
- Are you ready for your life to change?
Divorce Cannot Solve Arguments
The only thing a divorce can do is end a marriage. Do not look to divorce as some sort of silver bullet that will cure everything in your life. After divorce you will still have problems, the ones you get rid of will be replaced by new ones. You may still have to deal with your spouse, especially if you have children, so be prepared.
If your reasons for divorce are to ‘teach them a lesson’ then you are inviting misery upon yourself. Getting a divorce will end the marriage and then what? You’re divorced. You are both free to pursue your own lives independent of each other. You do not want to be the person always looking at what their ex is doing to make sure they are suitably miserable without you. What kind of life is that for you? There is no satisfaction in being bitter.
You do not want to be the person always looking at what their ex is doing to make sure they are suitably miserable without you. What kind of life is that for you? There is no satisfaction in being bitter.
The Danger of Threatening Divorce When You Don’t Mean It
We all know the story of Peter and The Wolf. Crying ‘divorce’ when you don’t mean it can have serious implications as your try to move forward with your spouse. Not only does it mean you lose credibility and are no longer taken seriously, but you run the risk of your spouse saying ‘I agree’ and if that’s not what you want then you’ve just brought a whole lot of heartache upon yourself.
Much better to say that you think you need to get some help to sort out the marriage problems. That will hopefully allow you to put all the relationship arguments that are causing you to ask yourself ‘shouldI get a divorce?’ behind you rather than continue to tear each other apart.
You Cannot Decide To Divorce In The Heat Of An Argument
Divorce has to be a calm, logical, well-thought out, considered decision. You simply cannot do that in the heat of an argument. Spouses who divorce because they are angry, stay angry years after the divorce. Divorce is about ending the marriage and that means ending all the emotional turmoil.
If divorce is on the cards, turn to this when you have both had a chance to calm down. Say you both need to sit down and discuss how you are going to resolve your marriage problems. Perhaps a trial separation in the first instance.
Do The Arguments Mean Divorce?
You need to decide if the relationship arguments are more important than your marriage. If not, then you need to find a way to compromise or accept things as they are, but you have to stop the fighting. If the issues are more important or you come to
If not, then you need to find a way to compromise or accept things as they are, but you have to stop the fighting.
If the issues are more important or you come to realize that you are only arguing because you really don’t want to live with that person anymore then stop fighting and deal with that.
Either way, you have to move beyond the fighting.
If you cannot let go, then that’s a sign you are still emotionally invested in your spouse and the marriage. So stop throwing about threats and instead turn into yourself in a calm way and reflect on what it is you really want. Do you want to try and save the marriage or do you want to begin the process of emotionally detaching from your spouse as you pursue a divorce?
Being able to emotionally detach from your spouse and your marriage is a strong indicator that you should get a divorce.
Once you begin this process, you start to not care so much about the arguments, they become less important to you. You are ready to move on.
When to Divorce
As discussed in Part One, you both have to reach the same point before you decide to proceed with a divorce. If one person is still caught up in the emotional turmoil then they will prolong the whole process, make it more difficult than it needs to be and end up costing you more money than you need to spend.
Letting go of the conflict means you can use one of the services we recommend on this site and get your divorce for as little as $159. You can compare online divorce services here. The thousands you save on lawyers’ fees can be used to build your new life and that’s a much better deal for you both.