conscious uncoupling, should i get a divorce, emotionally detached, is my marriage over, signs of divorce

Should I Get A Divorce?


Should I get a divorce?

conscious uncoupling, should i get a divorce, emotionally detached, is my marriage over, signs of divorceIt’s the dilemma you are facing. You’re having doubts. You’re wondering if it’s time to call it quits. But how do you know if you really should get a divorce?

Before making a final decision you may want to go through our divorce checklist to help you decide if you are truly ready for divorce, if your marriage can be saved or if your relationship is over.

But first …

Why is a divorce on the table?

Who mentioned the ‘D’ word?  Was it you who wanted a divorce or was it your spouse who wants a divorce?

Or is it the case that neither of you really want the divorce, but feel you have no other choice?  Is someone apportioning blame saying ‘this is all your fault’, ‘you are making me do this’ – which is a lot is easier than saying ‘I want this’!

Maybe they crossed a line.  Maybe their behavior has become completely unacceptable to you.  Maybe they cheated or have been acting in a way that runs counter to your values.  But it’s still your choice to stay or go and there is power in that.  Don’t give away that power.

What is it you want from a divorce?

What is it you believe that a divorce will give you? Freedom, closure, revenge, a reaction? In five years’ time will you look back and be glad you took this action or will you regret it?

Do you feel that if only they would do X, Y and Z then everything would be fine?  The problem is that they just won’t change their behavior to suit your needs and you are frustrated?  Are they emotionally detached?  Divorce won’t change their behavior, all divorce can do is end a marriage.  Is that what you want?

conscious uncoupling, should i get a divorce, emotionally detached, is my marriage over, signs of divorce

Do you both agree you need to divorce?

Rarely do couples arrive at the same point at the same time.  One makes the suggestion and the other resists.  One spouse may be shocked and the other shocked that they are shocked! Are the signs of divorce really obvious to you both?

Are the signs of divorce really obvious to you both? Or are you still questioning ‘is my marriage over?’

conscious uncoupling, should i get a divorce, emotionally detached, is my marriage over, signs of divorceMutually agreeing to divorce is a process therefore until it is concluded the dilemma will always hang in the air. Should I get a divorce? Should we try and save our marriage? Are the signs of divorce on the wall?

Before entering into the divorce process, you have to start the process of becoming emotionally detached from your marriage and each other.

Dealing With Your Ex and Your Divorce

If one party has not really resolved this dilemma prior to the divorce, they end up going through the divorce procedure trying to control their fear by hiding their true feelings, avoiding difficult questions, constantly changing their mind and shirking their responsibilities – this is a divorce lawyer’s dream $$$

If one party has not really resolved this dilemma prior to the divorce, they end up going through the divorce procedure trying to control their fear by hiding their true feelings, avoiding difficult questions, constantly changing their mind and shirking their responsibilities – this is a divorce lawyer’s dream $$$

The Divorce Checklist

If you think that the signs of divorce are there, you might recognize the following behaviors we’ve outlined in our multi-part guide. These should serve as warning signs that your marriage is in trouble.  While not an exhaustive list or absolute, it might be a good starting point to discuss the problems in your marriage with your spouse and together you can decide what you should do next.

In Part One of our guide we look at couples who have emotionally detached from each other and their marriage.

Checkpoint One – Disconnected

One or both of you has disconnected from the relationship and you are in effect living separate lives.  This doesn’t necessarily mean divorce, but it does indicate that there are problems in the relationship that, if not addressed, will more than likely result in the end of your marriage.

 

conscious uncoupling, should i get a divorce, emotionally detached, is my marriage over, signs of divorce

The Realisation You Are ‘Conscious Uncoupling’

conscious uncoupling, should i get a divorce, emotionally detached, is my marriage over, signs of divorceIf go through this checklist and realize that you are indeed ‘conscious uncoupling’, as Gwyneth Paltrow puts it, from your spouse, it’s normal to feel a sense of guilt that you don’t actually want to stay together with them anymore.  You made a vow to be together forever and breaking that, no matter the circumstances, feels bad.

Being the one who calls time on the marriage is difficult. Hearing it is not easier, but all the same you have to live with the knowledge that as soon as you build up the courage, you are going to have to say the words ‘I think we should get a divorce’ and deal with their reaction.

Feeling conflicted about getting a divorce is part of the divorce process as you go through the painful act of ending your marriage.  This is why it’s worth exploring what steps you could take to save the relationship first, such as marriage counseling.

Can Couples Counseling Help?

People who enter the divorce process knowing that there really was nothing more they could do are much less likely to have the regrets down the line.


conscious uncoupling, should i get a divorce, emotionally detached, is my marriage over, signs of divorce

Coming up in Part Two: Should You Get A Divorce? What Your Arguments Are Telling You

 

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